t-time

So in, Keep Having the Same Relationship Problems? Maybe it’s You…Not Him , I addressed my tendency to date the same type of men and how I was taking a bit of a time out to figure out what it was about me (or what I was doing) that kept attracting the same type of guys. Well Lisa Vazquez over on Black Women, Blow the Trumpet! posted the following about a discussion group she led:

When I was leading a discussion with a group of ladies in church, my topic was “That Trifling Man”. The room was packed because so many sistas were eager to discuss the topic. I began the discussion by asking a few women to discuss the types of men who are attracted to them. I started a list as the women were talking. I pulled out another easel pad and asked the same group of ladies to give explanations about why those types of men were attracted to them. The answers did not come as quickly as the answers to my first question. I think it is important for us to ask ourselves why we attract the caliber of men whom we attract. I displayed another easel pad and I asked them to describe the men that were in their lives from infancy to age 12. This question provoked a lot of pain and anger.

I think the “experiment” she led was quite telling. If I was to apply the same criteria to my life, the men who were in my life from 0 - 12, the answer would be hardly any. My father wasn’t really around. One of my Uncles stayed with us for awhile when I was young. I liked him. He was a lot of fun. For awhile he was my favorite Uncle. Then there was the other Uncle who paid my mom’s mortgage. He wasn’t really “in” my life though he played an important roll.

How do I think the lack of men in my life affected me?

Honestly. It didn’t. At least not in a negative sense. I didn’t grow up with defined gender roles in my house. There wasn’t any real sense that women did this and men did that. I was a raving tomboy. My mother had to threaten me to get me to carry a purse and as a little girl I couldn’t stand the dresses she made me wear(I love dresses now). The flip side of this was that I always liked boys, so in all my “boyishness” I still very much liked the opposite sex and was always very aware of them.

As I grew up, the men in my life often described me as being, “like a man.” A fact that I wore with a badge of honor in my younger years since I perceived most traditional feminine behaviour as silly and airheadish, but now I find annoying. In dating however, this didn’t go over well because I like Alpha males and most Alpha males want traditionally feminine chicks, which I am not. One could argue that I’m a bit of an Alpha male myself, as my friend pointed out when I was telling her that I keep dating these men who are like “Me Tarzan, You Jane,” she said, “Well, the problem is, you’re Tarzan too and you can’t have two Tarzans in a relationship.”

And unfortunately for me that’s true. Too many men I date believe that, simply because they are men, that somehow puts them over me in the natural order of things. If one more man I date says something about my “attitude” or that I “need to remind him that I’m a female.” (no lie), I will scream. While I’m a firm believer that the sexes are different but equal, I in no way believe that the intrinsic value of maleness makes you “better” than me or more equipped to be “head of the household,” a position I believe both parents share, NOT just the man. They don’t really know what to do with me when they learn I’m not impressed with their maleness and I’m ready to toss them on their ass when they start with that chauvinist bullshit.

Basically we end up butting heads…quickly. The problem for me is men who don’t fall in the Alpha category seem weak to me. Rightly or wrongly the men who believe in a more egalitarian frame work between the sexes don’t do anything for me on any level. Hell, most of them I can run over and handle. That doesn’t make for a good relationship in my book. What I have discovered is, that of the men I date, where it works, it works because they accept me for who I am. They don’t try to change me or accuse me of lacking femininity and also have they don’t have pre-set notions on what it means to be a woman. My experience has more than taught me that much of what we consider “natural” for the sexes is mere socialization and has little to do with the natural order of things.

Going forward I believe I will have to seek out men who told hold traditional gender roles as their ideal. I like what I like and at 28 I’m not sure that’s going to change but, with the man I’m currently dating, I have found someone who “gets” me and is completely happy with what he’s found. It’s a start.

Now if you were to perform the experiment on your life what would you find? What would it tell you about the men you date and the relationships you have had?