Aug 07 2008
Interracial Relationships: Anyone But a White Man For Me
I’m a fan of interracial dating. I strongly believe that, for Black women, interracial dating is a must. This insistence of “Only a Black
man for me,” is baffling to me. I don’t get it. I recognize that often we are socialized to date Black men and only Black men. The messages we receive (even if not from family) seem to be that only a Black man will care for us, understand us, respect us, even if their is plenty of evidence to the contrary.
In her post, “Interracial Dating: Grudgingly Heading Toward Acceptance,” Latoya Peterson gives a very thoughtful, non-cliched reason for her having such issues with her best male friend’s dating of only white women. While the article is a must read what caught my attention was one of her comments in response to another commenter on her article:
…I still don’t date white men. To me, that’s the line in the sand that I don’t want to cross. Too much political baggage for me to start unpacking that. I don’t begrudge others, but I think I have a better chance of being in a lesbian relationship than seriously dating a white man.
When I read that, all I could say was: AMEN. I completely agree. I am a card carrying member of the “Anything <i>but> a White Man for Me,” club. There are any number of reasons for this: I like dark skin, I’m not that attracted to White men, I don’t want mixed kids but the main reasons for me fall into the cultural and the political.
Culturally, I am VERY Black. Southern and Black to be exact. I am not the least bit assimilated. I do not worship at the alter of Whiteness nor am I impressed by it. I don’t Shift . I don’t alter my speech patterns, inflections, the way I laugh, anything, when I’m in the presence of White people. It’s part of the reason I won’t work corporate. I don’t wear The Veil well, or at all, and I have little patience (or respect) for people who expect me to.
What does all of this have to do with dating White men? The personal is political for me. White privilege is alive and well, so is the entrenched and institutionalized racism that is a part of this country’s founding. The idea that I will be making love and babies with The Enemy, is a problem for me. One I’m not sure I can get over. Are there any exceptions to this rule? Sure. I’ve known White men who were culturally Black, and no I don’t mean wanna be White boys, I mean guys who, for various reasons, were raised by or around Black people. With them, because there are cultural markers, I can relate and may, may, be able to cross the racial and political barrier.
Now, theses are my issues. But for Black women who can cross the White Line by all means do so. I want people to be happy and loved and wherever you can find it you need to hold onto it and keep it. For me, I will be keeping my options open, he just won’t be White.
As a woman living in America, and holding no bias against another man based on his race/racial history, but according to his present actions, do you believe that the probability of possibly interracially dating someone white is higher, considering the majority of America is composed of whites?
I’m sure there is a higher percentage of dating a White man considering the make up of the US but I’m clear that that is not an option for me.
However, for those who want to go that route, by all means do it.
I love this blog! So many of your thoughts mirror mine, so I’m sorry this is my first comment here.
I’m a Black woman and I’m with you on the point of Black women not exploring options outside of Black men being absolutely ridiculous. You wait around for a Black man all you want to, and you’ll look up and be 80 and still waiting on that Black man.
However, I WILL date white men - my current make out buddy is a younger white man! And I like it! See, I’m not from the south, but my mom is (Alabama) so a lot of what you just stated as your reasons sound similar to her thinking. I respect that. But I have often not been considered culturally “Black enough” - which is another discussion altogether. So I just date who I relate to, who respects me, treats me well and lives up to my high standards. So if he’s at least 6 ft. tall he can be Black, White, or Indian and we can make it work.
Oh, and I have a HUGE crush on Sayed (from LOST) so thanks for that picture. Sorry for the mini-blog in the comments.
Like I said. DO YOU! I’m all for folk finding love where they can. I do (will not) begrudge a sister a white man. Those are just my personal issues. lol. Enjoy your youngin’ girl. I got one too. Oh, and I fee you on that over 6 feet:-)
www.singleinla.today.com
Although I understand your feelings, I think feelings about dating interracially vary based upon geographical locations. I live in the South and I know that it’s here, but welcome as much as would be in the Midwest (where I’m originally from).
At this point in my life, I just want to be happy and I don’t know what God has in store for me. He could be white, who knows? Black men have choosing their mates of different shades for years, why should black women limit themselves? There are a lot of nice men, of all different shades and races out there. Of course, I would like to date someone who emulates my father but if it doesn’t happen, I’m cool with that too. Life is too short. I’m like Sanaa Lathan in that movie “Somethin’ New”…LOL.
I’ve had more dates with black men who have lied, cheated, tried to “run game”…I’m opening the doors a little bit.
Good discussion.
Your posting is so honest and I admire you for that. Miss T…I like that saying about “other colored brothers” that’s cute! : ) I didn’t marry a white man, but instead someone who is in-between (biracial). My husband is 1/2 Filipino (father) and 1/2 Russian - Jewish (mother)….think Keanu Reeves or Brandon Lee as far as his appearance goes with longer hair and bigger lips. I also really like our last name too…because it’s obvious that we are both people of color as well. Our name is actually a Tagalog (Filipino dialect) word. So there’s some history, culture, and traditions that we can pass on to our children from both sides.
I will be completely honest with the ladies here it’s easier having a brown father-in-law! : ) I have nothing against white men because I dated them in the past, but I also dated men of other nationalities too…especially Asian! : ) My high school prom date was Chinese. If being married to a white man is not something you are comfortable with…don’t do it! Sure, numbers-wise there are many, many white men here in America, but this doesn’t mean that you have to marry one. Keep your options open.
I’ve always felt that there were other options for black women out there besides black or white men. Actually, on some other blogs I’ve had some women get upset with me for sharing my viewpoint and experiences too. I was born in Iowa and I spent part of my childhood in California because my step-father was in the military so my playmates ironically looked very similar to my dear sweet husband. My mother laughed when I told her about my husband’s racial background because I think my family knew that my husband would be of Asian descent.
Finally, I do agree with what some of the other women who posted here wrote about some things being more acceptable overall based on geographic location too.
I don’t understand how you can claim not to be racist when what you’re saying is that all white men are “the enemy”, it’s statements like this that help keep us as a people from healing. I’ve experienced plenty of incredibly harsh racism also being a black (very, at that) southern woman and I’ve never viewed all white people as the enemy. My fiancee was born and raised in a white suburban area, we come from two very different worlds but it works because we’re perfectly honest with each other. He knows all of my feelings about race, class, religion and any other aspect of society and I know his. He’s taken the time and effort to read books with me on black culture, black women, and our struggle in this country from then til now, he prefers that I wear my hair natural and I know that I’m not some exotic stereotype to him. It makes me really sad that you’re advocating missing out on that kind of love simply because of skin color. Also, I believe it’s racist to say you’re not attracted to men or women or a specific skin color because you’re admitting it’s the skin color that bothers you, not the persons facial features or anything else.
Why do we do this? I’m angry too, very angry as a dark-skinned girl raised in over 14 different states in the north and south, but I realize that because racism so institutionalized in this country that instead of being angry it’s far more constructive to be open to meeting and informing people of the truth instead of shunning those who have the same skin color as other people in this country that do or have done wrong. I don’t turn my back on racism at any time, so don’t get it twisted thinking that I shift without realizing it or any of that mess because I was far too unhappy for too long to go back. I’ve found myself. I’ve grown not only to be proud of but to really understand my roots and I’m going to marry a white man. I refuse to become one of the Educated Black Folk that swear up and down against “the white man” (because it’s all of them….every single white person in the world. Ever.)and any institutions he’s founded, but we all trap ourselves within the worst one- Race is a man made thing. Half of the black folk in this country ain’t of pure African descent anyway.
I’ve noticed that older generations in the black community are just as bad as older white people and while I understand their anger, I feel it’s time not to forget, but to move the hell on and live our own lives instead of restricting ourselves based on the skin color. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t acknowledge race, wait, no I am because race is stupid. If you don’t believe me you can research the origins of race. What I’m meaning to say is we should respect the myriad of differences presented in all cultures and appreciate each other. We can’t be hypocrites about equality, we of all people should know and adhere to the real definition of that word. As for me I treat everyone the same until they give me reason not to. My man gave me reason to love him, not because he’s white, but because he’s amazing. And the white doctor down the street has given me reason to sue him, not because he’s white because he’s racist.
You are admitting that you are ignorant. Maybe the reason you are single?
And exactly what am I ignorant about? I’m single by choice. Not because I have to be.
I’m sorry, but I have to agree with Andi. You are nearly mimicking the racists you rail against by suggesting that dating white men is below you, and they are not good enough to be your mate. Doesn’t that sound like a familiar racist notion? All black women aren’t the same, why would you believe that all white men are?
Also, why all of the mixed-race kid hate? Barack Obama is biracial. Halle Berry is biracial; no one refers to either of them as Caucasian. Don’t be so naive — if you had kids with Naveen Andrews or Jason Momoa (who is of mixed race, and raising children with another mixed race person, Lisa Bonet), they’d still be biracial/multiracial. There’s a huge flaw in your argument there.
What..in anything i said was racist? I didn’t say white men were beneath me…I said i wasn’t interested. And I listed the reasons why. I also didn’t hate on bi-racial kids, I said I didn’t want any. And I don’t. And for the record Halle Berry identifies as Black. I don’t have to want to date white men. And I was clear that I don’t have any problems with those who do. So where’s the racism.
Wow! I stumbled across this blog by accident and am thoroughly shocked by this conversation. I can’t believe people out there are really this racist. I am a white woman, and when my white girl friends tell me they would never date a black man, I find it so narrow minded and racist. I personally thinked biracial relationships are beautiful and biracial children equally so. Choosing a mate based on their skin colour is as racist as choosing an employeee based on their skin colour. I don’t know how you can even claim to not be racist when you call white people “the enemy”. I think MLK would be thoroughly disgusted.